To The Shithead Who Stole My Bicycle Tires

Hello!

I don’t think we’ve ever met, but my name is Nick Gertonson and I believe I have the frame to your new bicycle.

You must’ve forgotten to take it when you were stealing my tires.

That’s okay. To err is human, right? I mean, I forget things too sometimes. In fact, the other day I was buying groceries at Jewel, and as I’m walking out the door with my Bananas and AJAX the cashier starts calling “Sir, SIR!”. So I turn around and, WHOOPS! I forgot to take my coupons! I was so embarrassed!

But anyway, yeah, the frame is sitting in my apartment right now; you can come pick it up whenever you’d like! That is, unless you didn’t want the frame. Did you not want the frame? I know you’re probably thinking, “Who needs the rest of the bicycle when you’ve got some badass tires to roll around with!” It’s a decent frame. Maybe it just wasn’t as cool as those tires. 

I hope that, one day, you’re able to steal yourself a nice frame or something and pop those suckers on there. Damn, that’d look so pimp! You know what you should do? You should try and steal a red one, or my friend has a green bike that would look so SICK with my tires on it.

DUDE!

When you get the bike all put together, you should take it into the woods or something and do some off-roading! My tires are really good for off-roading! I just had the back axel replaced so it shouldn’t snap off or anything as you hop over logs and shit. That would be really terrible. What would be worse would be if you were racing downhill and then both tires simultaneously exploded or something and the spokes snapped off and stabbed you through the eyes as you tumbled down the hill, smashing your thick, thieving skull into the rocks and trees as you cried and vomited all over your stupid tangled body.

But don’t worry, those tires are really durable, and you know what, I forgot how valuable they are, and how much of a market there is for heavily used, stolen, bicycle tires! You could easily make, twenty to thirty dollars.

I really do hope you enjoy them, whether you plan to ride them or sell them for dope money!

Yours,

Nick Gertonson

Six Oh! Oh! One Four.

midwestmarina:

It was decided today by one such CA resident and one such TX resident that IL doesn;t have college required state history for the following fact:

nothing has changed in Illinois.

Nor will it ever.

This would be a splendid philosophy if it weren’t full of typos and fallacies.

Illinois can change if you want it to change. Illinois lets people keep the status quo for as long as they want, while other, more difficult states force people to change. Illinois is all about the long term peace.

Monster Dinner

At nine past nine I’m off to bed,
I kiss my wife, “Good Evening”.
Now up the stairs I sneak away,
Each step a risky creaking.
I reach the landing, listen soft,
The whole upstairs is sleeping.
I crack the door to catch a glimpse,
Of Emma gently breathing.

“Get down from there! What, are you mad!?”
I shriek with fear and dread .
My Emma sleeping? I think not.
She’s standing on her bed!
“But, Em, you should be fast asleep,
What’s gotten in your head?”
“A monster, Dad”, my Em replies.
“He said he wants me dead.”

“Who wants you dead, my Emma dear?
You surely must be dreaming.”
“A monster, Dad” she said so true
I found myself believing.
“He lives below my bed and said,
Tonight I’m what he’s eating!”
A monster that eats little girls?
“Enough. You sleep. I’m leaving.”

“But father, if you leave right now,
It’s to his jubilation!
He’s says that he will eat me up!
I swear, that’s his quotation!
Such silliness I must insist,
“It’s all imagination.
Now, close your eyes, and back to bed.”
But then, a fierce vibration!

A monster from beneath her bed,
Was built of flesh and bone,
Did jump right out and say to me,
“Can I please use your phone?”
“My phone, you beast? But why? I pray.”
The beast let out a groan.
“I want to eat your little girl,
And now I must postpone.”

I just wrote this for “Reading & Writing Poetry”. The professor said, “Write a poem.” And this is what I came up with. I’m not sure if I followed instructions or not. Oye.

Spinach Snoothies

Kenzie (my cousin) and I made spinach “snoothies” today.

4 big handfuls of spinach
1 orange
1 lime
1/4 can of welch’s white grape concentrate 
1 tbsp honey
ice
water

she’s “this many” (2) and she drank three sippy cups worth.

you should try it. it’s de-lish.