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Married Jonas Brother Says Sex Not Worth the Wait

michaelmcgee:

siddman:

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Just days after tying the knot after years of abstinence, Kevin Jonas of the pop sensation the Jonas Brothers stunned his teenaged fans by announcing that “to be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait.”

“After we did it, I was kind of like, that’s it?” Mr. Jonas told reporters at a New York press conference.

As to whether Mr. Jonas’ bride agreed with his “that’s it?” assessment, Mr. Jonas remarked, “That’s what she said.”

(via phoenixlily)thismightsuck:crowth:

“That’s what she said.” GAME OVER.

Probably the funniest news report in history. Poor role model.
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michaelmcgee

Six Oh! Oh! One Four.

midwestmarina:

It was decided today by one such CA resident and one such TX resident that IL doesn;t have college required state history for the following fact:

nothing has changed in Illinois.

Nor will it ever.

This would be a splendid philosophy if it weren’t full of typos and fallacies.

Illinois can change if you want it to change. Illinois lets people keep the status quo for as long as they want, while other, more difficult states force people to change. Illinois is all about the long term peace.

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midwestmarina
midwestmarina: It’s good to see we are figuring out hypothetical things, while reality has still got us in a choke hold. I have a list of “if-it-came-down-to-it” wives a mile long. All of them make up the most ridiculous contingency plan the world has ever seen.

midwestmarina:

It’s good to see we are figuring out hypothetical things, while reality has still got us in a choke hold.

I have a list of “if-it-came-down-to-it” wives a mile long. All of them make up the most ridiculous contingency plan the world has ever seen.

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midwestmarina

midwestmarina:

Note To Self:

If ever you start to feel something for anyone, don’t bring them to your hometown. Even if they reside a street away, plan all hangouts for a distant town, a hidden cafe.

This way, you don’t have to feel as hallow as a chocolate rabbit every time you pass anywhere you spread your disease called love.

Couldn’t agree with you more, kid. It’s just unfortunate that memories, once fond, tend to remain where they were had long after they are wanted, thereby infecting various locations with the pungent smell of past joys gone awry.

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midwestmarina

jstern:

Three mothers discover this crazy new sensation…they say it’s called “The Internet.”

Caution. At any moment this could turn into a terrible, terrible adult movie…

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jstern

theduty:

Canadians.

polite AND intelligent.

…thanks for rubbing it in.

I hope this is true. I wuv canada.

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theduty